Hardbodies

Every now and then I feel the need to indulge in some guilty pleasures. Outside of porn, what fits this bill better than an 80's beach sex comedy? And Hardbodies it is.

I remember sneaking down into the basement at like 2 in the morning when I was 12 or 13 in order to watch this movie. There was no way my parents were going to let me watch this. Well, a very very remote chance that my dad would have let me watch it if I didn't tell anyone, so my best shot was scoping the TV Guide for movies in the middle of the night. You did this, too, right?

And as far as Hardbodies is concerned, I mean, just looking at the cover of the movie you know what you're getting. And at 13 I wasn't disappointed. This was one of my favorite movies of all time. And then I saw it as an adult.

I really didn't remember the plot, just that there was a lot of skin, but as it happens, a young beach bum with glorious feathered hair gets kicked out of his place and needs to find another one in which to live. Meanwhile, 3 "older" men show up looking for a good time (Hunter, Rounder, and Ashby; Gary Wood, Michael Rapport, and Sorrells Pickens, respectively). The most notable person in the movie is probably the red-headed Courtney Gains who went on to play bit roles in several prominent movies.

Anyway, unable to pick up girls and sensing these old men needed help, Scotty (Grant Cramer) plots to manipulate them and convinces them to put him up and teach them the way to get hot girls. Tension builds, however, when Scotty's girlfriend Kristi (Teal Roberts) thinks he's having too much fun with all the naked girls.

If you're looking for a thin plot, bad acting, and lots of bouncing round boobs, then you've found your movie. If you want a hysterical romantic comedy full of anecdotes and creative use of dialog, then you are way off.

Directed by Mark Griffith, who was known for other big hits such as Beethoven's 5th and National Lampoon's Going the Distance, Hardbodies is about an hour and a half long and is rated R for boobies, language, some fisticuffs, boobs, butts, and bouncing boobs.

What is funny is that many of my friends are eager to borrow this movie. I think it's the 13 year old in my friends that wants to sneak downstairs at 2am to see this movie. And that 13 year old would give this movie 5 stars, but his 37 year old alter ego gives it no better than 3 stars, and that generous rating is due to the many bouncing boobies.

Super Fuzz

I saw this movie for the first time sometime in the early 1980's on HBO when I was a kid. I recall thinking it was funny and that the music was awesome. When we joined Netflix a few years ago I looked up this movie and it was not available. However, Netflix allowed you to add it to your queue and when it became available it would be listed as one of the available movies.

A few weeks ago I noticed that the move was moved from the "Saved" DVD queue up to my active DVD queue. And last week it was released to the public. However, I didn't get it until Friday. And I watched it....on Friday.

Super Fuzz is about a rookie cop named Dave Speed (Terence Hill - the famous Italian actor) who is sent by Sgt. Willy Dunlop (Ernest Borgnine) to an offshore island (as a prank) to serve a parking ticket warrant. What neither of them knew was that a nuclear bomb was going to be tested over the island. Dave Speed survives the explosion and suddenly finds that he has super powers. However, his super powers seem to come and go and he doesn't know why.

Officer Speed returns to duty and drives his Sergeant crazy with his new powers, which the sarg doesn't believe. Meanwhile, Sarg has a giant crush on Rosy Labouche (Joanne Dru) and learns that she is coming to town. What he doesn't know is that she is tied to the local mob. When Rosy learns how to disable Officer Speed's powers, she frames him for the murder of Sarg. Can justice be served before Officer Speed is put to the electric chair?

Originally released in Italy and named Poliziottot Superpiu in 1980, Super Fuzz was directed by Italian director Sergio Corbucci who directed many unfamous Italian movies. Rated PG for some minor violence, a little cussing, and an almost topless dancer, Super Fuzz is 97 minutes long and also stars Marc Lawrence and Julie Gordon as Speed's girlfriend.

The movie is super cornie. The special effects are very funny, even by 1980 standards. The music is groovy. I've never heard a single song played in one movie as much as "Super Super" was played throughout Super Fuzz. However, it's quintessential 80's. If you like all things 80's you will love this movie. And for this I give Super Fuzz 5 stars. Even my kids thought it was funny. And that makes it a winner!

Fame

This is the original Fame. I remember the television show as a kid and who doesn't remember the song? "Fame! I gonna live forever!" Every fancy kid on the block was singing that one. However, I had never seen the movie. When I heard that the movie was being remade I figured it was as good a time as ever to watch.

Fame The Original Movie is about a school for the performing arts in New York City. The movie starts with a bunch of 20 year olds doing rehearsals trying to gain entrance into each of the school's programs, such as acting, ballet, and orchestra (I guess). As you would expect from a school of artsy people, there is a lot of drama on and off of the stage.

There are several running plots in the movie. Two of the main characters are Doris (Maureen Teegy) and Ralph Garcie (Barry Miller). Doris is the shy daughter of an over-bearing mother and this is her opportunity to break free in life. Ralph Garcie is the talented actor and dancer with an attitude. Another character, Paul McCrane, plays Montgomery, the white-afro-haired kid who we all assume is gay (a gay guy in a performing arts movie? Shocking!) He later stared in ER and 24, 2 of the best 2-character shows on TV. Finally, we have the rich white girl who gets pregnant from a black guy. This is like one step further than Guess Who's Coming To Dinner.

As the 20 year olds are guided through each of their years in school (and don't age), they learn from themselves and each other to be the best they can be. Yeah, sounds like an advertisement for a bad movie on the Hallmark Channel.

Besides the expected drama, I was a bit shocked at the amount of nudity in the movie. I'm not complaining. Just shocked. Aren't these supposed to be high school kids? And there was a lot of cussing. Do artsy people cuss that much? The movie is a bit dated, but was still an overly average movie.

Directed by Alan Parker, produced by Alan Marshall, and staring Alan Vetter, Fame is Rated R for nudity, language, and I guess in 1980 dealing with the issue of homosexuality, which in 2010 we really don't bat an eye at. Fame is 134 minutes of drama, singing, and fine 80's pop-dance music.

As I said, an average movie. It was interesting to see New York in 1980. The dancing clothes were historically hysterical. And some of the acting was quite comical. And there is a cameo by the 26 year old Richard Belzer who later gained fame (no pun intended) in Homicide and Law and Order. Average is as average is. 3 stars for Fame, the original movie.

Blame It On Rio

I don't normally blog about older movies, but now and then one catches my attention for more than the movie. Blame It On Rio is one of those movies.

When this movie came out I was 11 years old. I remember seeing those sexy trailers on television and couldn't wait until the movie would be shown on Caltech Television (predecessor to Comcast) so that I could sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and watch it. Now that I'm 37, the only sneaking that I need to do is to do so so that my children don't see the movie.

Blame It On Rio stars movie friends Michael Caine as Matthew Collins and Joseph Bologna as Victor Lyons, Valerie Harper as Michael Caines' wife Karen, and Michelle Johnson as Jennifer Lyons and Demi Moore as Nikki Hollis, the daughters.

The plot of the movie is that Matthew and is wife are going through some difficult times and she decides to vacation elsewhere, leaving Matthew, Victor, and the girls to vacation in Rio de Janeiro without her. While on the vacation, Victor's daughter Jennifer shares her feelings with Matthew, who is 28 years older than her. He fights her off, but after she prances around naked for a while, he gives in and they make love - several times. Her friend and his daughter Nikki find out about it and now Matthew struggles with trying to end the relationship and whether or not he should tell his best friend Victor.

The movie is filled with the 80's, from Michael Jackson songs to big poofy hair styles. What intrigued me as an 11 year old still intrigued me as a 37 year old - lots of boobies. However, when reading about the movie I found out that the full frontal nude scene that Michelle Johnson did was recorded when she was only 17 years old. Scandalous.

Released in 1984, Blame It On Rio is rated R for some language, some minor violence, lots of breasts, and 2 seconds of underage nudity. The movie is an hour and 50 minutes long.

As with most movies that show a lot of skin, the plot is thin, and it rhymes. Despite the 11 year old in me, I give this movie 3 stars. The 11 year old rates it much higher.

Clash of the Titans

Having learned that there is a remake underway of Clash of the Titans, I thought it would be a good time to watch the original. I recall this movie from my childhood. During one week in 1981 my brother and sister spent the week at my grandparents' house. I could not go as I had baseball games. However, since my mom worked at night, on the nights that I didn't have a game my dad took me to the movies. We saw The Empire Strikes Back, The Great Muppet Caper, and Clash of the Titans. It was great bonding with my dad at the movies during that week.

The original Clash of the Titans stars Harry Hamlin as Perseus, son of Zeus. Hamlin went onto greater fame with L.A. Law. Also starring were Sir Lawrence Olivier as Zeus, Judi Bowker as Andromeda, Burgess Meredith as Ammon the playwrite, Claire Bloom as Hera, and Ursula Andress (of James Bond fame) as Aphrodite.

Perseus, heir to the kingdom of Argos, is moved by the goddess Thetis during a dream to Joppa where he is to marry Andromeda, but only after he can answer a riddle. If he fails, he will be burned at the stake.

Unfortunately for Joppa, Queen Cassiepeia's transgression of comparing her daughter's beauty to be superior to that of Thetis while in the temple dedicated to Thetis causes the status to come to life and declare that her daughter must be sacrificed to the Kraken, one of the titans. Andromeda must be unknown to a man (i.e. a virgin). If the sacrifice is not carried out, then the Kraken will destroy Joppa. It is now Persues' job to save Joppa.

Perseus' journey takes him to the far reaches of land, first to a visit to the Stygian witches, then across the River Styx to the isle of the dead to face Medusa, and several battles with Calibos, the son of Thetis and former fiancé of Andromeda. Calibos was transformed into a monster for his transgressions against Zeus, including the murder of the herd of flying horses except for Pegasus. To help him along his journey the gods give Perseus several gifts, including the helmet that makes him invisible, the sword that can cut stone, a talking shield that gives advice, sort of like a talking 8 ball, and Bubo, the magical owl.

This 1981 mythology classic is very dated by today's standards. It features double-screening and stop-motion special effects. However, when I was 9 years old, it was quite scary. The movie is rated PG for violence and nudity. And by nudity there was more than I remembered as a child, probably because naked women are less alluring to a 9 year old than a 37 year old. Had this movie been made today it would most likely be rated PG-13.

Clash of the Titans gets a boost because of my fondness for the movie as a child. It also gets a boost from the naked butts of Judi Bowker, and Vida Taylor. I sentimentally give Clash of the Titans 4 stars. Remember to put the remake in your Netflix queue. It stars Liam Neeson, Sam Worthington, Ralph Fiennes, and Alexa Davalos. It looks quite good.

Uncommon Valor

I recall this being a pretty decent movie from my childhood. I knew that it was about the Vietnam War and that Gene Hackman starred in it. Beyond that I had no recollection of anything about the movie. Unfortunately, my library did not have this movie, so when an opportunity presented itself on Netflix I dropped it in the queue.

Uncommon Valor is not entirely about the Vietnam War, as I learned. The movie is set mostly in 1982, though the lead-up to that point has Colonel Rhodes (Gene Hackman) searching for leads in Southeast Asia for the whereabouts of his son who was left behind during the war. The government refuses to help, but the father of another missing soldier financial backs the operation. In 1982 he leads a group of soldiers who were in his son's unit back to Vietnam in a rescue attempt.

The soldiers make their way back to Southeast Asia along with a young soldier (Patrick Swayze). From there we have lots of shooting, explosions, and cussing.

Uncommon Valor is rated R for violence and language. The movie was directed by Ted Kotcheff, known mostly to the current generation for his work on Law & Order SVU. However, he also directed Weekend At Bernies, North Dallas Forty and another similar 'return to Vietnam' movie, Rambo: First Blood.

My childhood fondness for this movie must have been centered around the helicopters and the shooting. Rewatching this movie as an adult, I see just an average rehash of several other Vietnam-related movies. The movie is not terrible, so I'll give it 3 stars.

Das Boot

As we all know, VHS tapes are on the out and DVD's are here for a bit longer. We'll probably all be watching movies digitally in the next few years. However, in that time I still have my VCR and a few VHS tapes. I decided to watch them again for posterity sake while I still own a VCR.

The movie I dug out of my box for this weekend was Das Boot, the German movie about World War II - from their perspective. As any historian will tell you, history is told by the victors. In this case, the Germans decided they wanted to show what it was like for German seamen of the submarine flotilla, or Kriegsmarine.

The movie starts out with a party in some French town and everyone is totally out of their mind stupid drunk. However, they know what they're getting into. Nearly three-quarters of all Germans who went out on a submarine never returned. Most knew that there was a good chance that they would never see land again.

The next day, Captain Leutenant Henrich Lehmann-Willenbrock is led to his new boat, U-96 and they head off to sea to intercept ship convoys and sink their prey.

What is interesting about the movie is that there is a strong anti-Nazi feel amongst the men. Most seem to understand that they are being led by an ego-maniac and eminent death awaits the country.

In reading about the movie, the actors were confined to the submarine model that was created for the movie for many hours and denied sunlight. This was to help give a more realistic sense of the anxiety and darkness that the sailors would have experience at sea.

Truly a military movie classic, this is a must see. The only actor that would be known to Americans is Jürgen Prochnow who was in The English Patient, Beverly Hills Cop II, and Dune.

Das Boot is Rated R for violence, language, and tense situations. The movie is long - it's 209 minutes, which for people that attended Baltimore City Public Schools - that's 3 hours and 29 minutes. I give this movie the maximum rating - 5 stars.

Stripes

I got this 1981 classic from Netflix since all the other movies that I wanted were on Long Wait. I had never seen this movie, so unofficially I was not actually part of the Man Club. Though I have ridden a motorcycle and been in the boys locker room with a girl when I was in high school. But I digress.


Stripes stars Bill Murray as a has-been cab driver named John Winger who quits his job, loses his car, breaks up with his girlfriend, and gets kicked out of his apartment - all on the same day. He temporarily moves in with his buddy Russell (Harold Ramis, also of Ghostbusters). Murray sees a commercial for the Army and talks Ramis into joining with him.


Once at boot camp, Murray and Ramis were united with Ox (John Candy, who's not even an American), Elmo (Judge Reinhold), and Psycho (Conrad Dunn). It's there that we hear the memorable quote from Psycho: "My real name is Francis. If anyone calls me Francis, I kill him." Sgt Hulka, "Lighten up, Francis!"


The new recruits fall under the command of Captain Stillman (John Larroquette), the inept captain with a penchant for watching the ladies shower with his telescope. The other star of the movie is the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle, which in 2008 looks likes a badly renovated GMC Motorhome. The EM-50 is equipped with state-of-the-art toggle switches for electronics, bullet proof siding to cover the windows, missiles, and a drop down cargo door in the rear. Unfortunately, it didn't appear to have any pull-out couches or a kitchenette.


On the way, Murray and Ramis hook up with 2 lady MP's who bail them out of trouble and deliver of some saucy love. The group is the biggest rejects of the Army. They are unable to get in shape and cannot seem to learn the drills. Captain Stillman is then put in charge of the EM-50 and is sent to Germany with this new class. Murray and Ramis then decide to take the EM-50 for a joy run and rendezvous with the girls. Captain Stillman finds out the EM-50 is gone and decides to chase them, but inadvertently end up in Communist Czechoslovakia. Now the EM-50 must go in and save everyone.


Stripes fits well with the typical Murray and Ramis films - e.g. Caddyshack, Ghostbusters. And did you know that Harold Ramis wrote Animal House, Meatballs, Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Back to School? This guy is the unsung hero of 80's classic comedies.


Stripes is Rated R for cursing, violence (though it's really bad), nudity (top and bottom - remember the telescope scene), sexual situations, and Dick Chaney may have had some input on the R rating because of some criticism of the government. The movie is an hour and 40 minutes long. I give this movie 4 stars. It's not the funniest movie of our time, but it's good. Definitely a movie you should see before you turn 35.

Mannequin

This one was not in my Netflix queue. I was busy trying to figure out some software on my computer and decided to just put on a movie as background noise and I picked Mannequin.

This 80's cult classic from 1987 stars the quintessential "must be gay" Andrew McCarthy as Jonathan Switcher, who cannot hold a job until he gets a job working at a department store. He ends up setting up mannequin displays that catch the eye of the owner Claire Prince Timkin (Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls).

Suddenly, one of the mannequins comes to life and it's Emmy Hesire (Kim Cattrall - Sex in the City, Porky's, among others). Jonathan falls in love with Emmy, while Emmy helps him by creating exotic window displays that catch the eye of the public and help save the department store.

The problem is that whenever someone comes within eye-shot of her, she turns back to a mannequin. This makes for some humorous make-out scenes when Jonathan has some 'splainin' to do.

The movie spends the majority of time showing security guard Felix Maxwell (G. W. Bailey - Police Academy movies 1-234) trying to catch the elusive Emmy. "Must be gay" James Spader's character, Mr. Richards, also spends the remainder of the movie trying to convice Mrs. Timkin to fire Jonathan and trying to catch him doing something wrong. Despite several embarrassing situations (Jonathan waking up naked in a pile of fur coats), Mrs. Timkin sticks to him.

In the dramatic ending, a big chase ensues and Jonathan saves Emmy's life when she almost falls into a box shredding machine. This selfless act of love is the spark that's needed to bring Emmy to life permanently and they both express their love for each other and live happily ever after - or something like that.

This movie totally met my expectations - lousy acting, corny scenes throughout, and a weak and predictable plot. I'm amazed that Andrew McCarthy got as many roles as he did in the 1980's, though I wouldn't be surprised if he won an Oscar for those performances.

Mannequin is 88 minutes long, and is rated PG for some adult situations and suggestive humor. I give this movie 2 stars. The only reason you should watch this movie is for nostalgic reasons. The only thing that could be worse than this movie would be a sequel. What's that? There is a sequel? Holy crap - go see Mannequin 2: On the Move. You know that's going to be good!

Earth Girls Are Easy

In typical 1980's comedy style, Earth Girls Are Easy is set in Southern California during the Valley Girl era and shows a lot of hot pink, yellows, and day-glow greens. Also in typical 1980's style, the movie stars Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. But don't let this porn-sounding name trick you. There is no nudity or sexual escapades. The movie is rated PG.


In the movie, a spaceship has some mechanical trouble and must land on Earth and get repaired. The three characters on board resemble hairy Teletubbies. Geena Davis discovers these hairy freaks, but realizes that they are friendly. She takes them to a friend who happens to be a beautician - because everyone in L.A. is a beautician. After some trimming and makeup, out come 3 hot guys - Mac, Wiploc, and Zeebo, more commonly known as Jeff Goldblum, a young Jim Carrey, and Damon Wayans.


The problem now is that the 2 girls are falling for these hot guys, and wouldn't you know it - Geena Davis already has a boyfriend. Now she must help them repair their ship, but also party with them without getting caught.


This movie is quite silly. Jim Carrey's character doesn't say much, but certainly acts goofy. Goldblum's character is apparently the big studly guy of the movie - yeah I don't get it either. And Damon Wayans is just there. I wouldn't say the movie is particularly funny. Just silly.


I saw this movie on Comcast OnDemand because there was nothing much on. I wish I would have gone downstairs and cleaned the basement instead. Fortunately this movie from 1989 was only 100 minutes long. I give this movie 2 stars. It wasn't so terribly horrible that I had to pluck out my eyeballs as I did know most of the actors. However, if you're bored on Saturday and this is one of the options, clean the basement instead.

Pretty In Pink

Everybody's seen this movie, right? Up until Saturday - everybody except me. Pretty in Pink is one of the so-called Molly trilogy (Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, and Sixteen Candles). One of my co-workers freely calls this one of the best movies ever made, though the least liked of the Molly-trio.

Produced in 1986 by 80's-teen movie producer John Hughes, the movie stars Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy, though Jon Cryer likes to claim credit as a star. (Isn't he that gay guy from Two and a Half Men? Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Cryer plays Duckie, the loser-like guy that does his own thing and is crazy for Andie (Ringwald). Andie, is the loser-like girl that does her own thing that doesn't really care for Duckie in that way. Blane (McCarthy) plays the rich kid that likes Andie, but is being pulled from her by his rich and stuck-up friends.

This is truly an epic socio-economic class struggle. A classical drama that has been told many times, but never this pink.

If you like 80's music, this movie is for you. It really helps that this movie was made in the 1980's, therefore it contains a lot of 80's music. I loved the clothes. (Did we really dress like that???)

Overall, I gave this movie 3 stars. It wasn't the best of the 80's movies. It cannot compare to the Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, or Super Fuzz. However, if you were not in the clique in high school, you can totally relate to this movie. If you were in the clique - don't watch this movie because you suck.