Machete

Machete is an action comedy that shows the conflicting and often hypocritical interests in dealing with the millions of illegal aliens that cross in from Mexico every year.

When Mexican Federale Machete (Danny Trejo) is double-crossed, attacked, and left for dead, he is forced to flee May-hi-co and remain in the underground.

Several years later, superstar border agent Sartana Rivera (Jessica Alba) comes across him while monitoring action of the taco truck run by underground leader Luz (Michelle Rodriguez). In South Texas, tensions are high with the keeping out illegal aliens. Texas Senator John McLaughlin is running for reelection on the platform of killin' 'em and closing the borders.

Meanwhile, Machete is finding his way around Texas. He is found fighting handsomely in the streets and is recruited by Von Jackson (Don Johnson) to assassinate the Senator. Meanwhile, the Mexican Mafia is led by Torrez (Steven Seagal) who is giving orders from south of the border .

The movie sports an all-star cast that also includes Cheech Marin, Lindsay Lohan (who is entirely naked throughout most of the movie), and Jeff Fahey.

Machete is Rated R for lots of nudity (boobies and buttocks - including Jessica Alba), violence (including decapitations and torso thrashings), and language. The violence in many scenes would almost be considered cartoonish. Just tons of blood. Everywhere. And severed limbs.

This movie is ridiculous. As an example, there is one scene where there is an entire courtyard brawl with guns and swords and machetes. Someone pulls out a machine gun and shoots all of the swords and guns and machetes and no one is hurt. Nearly everyone in the movie gets killed. Several people are gored entirely through their torso, but are able to continue their conversation for several more minutes before they die.

I read a couple of reviews and it said that the movie dealt with the conflicts of illegal immigration. I get that many businesses want the illegal immigration for its artificial low wages. But others want to close the borders because they are stealing jobs from Americans. To me, this movie was just an opportunity to make Americans look like a bunch of uneducated racist rednecks, thus making it easier to stomach killing them.

One positive was it was interesting to see Robert DeNiro not be a New York gangster. The other positive - lots of naked girls. If it weren't for all of the skin in the movie, I would have given this 1 star. But because of that bias, I'll go as high as 2.2.

The Love Guru

I am not having much luck with picking good movies lately. As I think I have said before, if you want to throwback to your middle school days and the humor that appealed to you at that time, then this movie is for you.

In The Love Guru, Mike Myers stars as Guru Pitka, a white guy that saw his family die while they were in India. He is then raised by the cross-eyed Guru Tugginmypudha, because cross-eyed guys are hysterical. Oh, and funny Indian names are hysterical, too, apparently.

Anyway, Jessica Alba comes to GP as the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs (yes, that's Leafs, not Leaves) who has a player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) (no relation to Jeremy Roenick), who is in a funk and the team needs him to win the Stanley Cup. However, Roanoke's girl, Prudence (Meagan Good) has fallen for his nemessis, goalie Jacques "The Cock" Grande (Justin Timberlake). It is up to GP to help Roanoke refocus and maybe even get back with his girl.

The penis and vagina jokes are rampant in this movie. Ha-ha. Yes, I get it. And yes, I heard it before. There were a few jokes that actually made me laugh, like the Quebequen pizza comment, but it was a mostly a slap-stick with a lot of lines and action that must have been inside jokes between Myers and that other cast members.

If you are a die-hard Saturday Night Live fan, you probably think almost anything is funny. For the rest of us, spare yourself.

The Love Guru is rated PG-13 for continuous crude and sexual content, drug references, language, and downright bigotry. At least they didn't make hockey look that bad. Fortunately, the movie was only 87 minutes long. It ended in just enough time for me to catch the last half of Hogan's Heroes.

I gave this movie 2 stars. Had it not been for Jessica Alba and her pretty smile and cute butt, this movie would have been intolerable. If you're not a Jessica Alba fan (and I cannot understand why you wouldn't), don't waste your time.

The Ten

This is one of those movies you think will either be really funny or really stupid. After all, it starts the attractive Jessica Alba, Paul Rudd, Wynona Ryder, Liev Schreiber, Adam Brody, just to name a few.

You should take the fact that I fell asleep half way through the movie as an idication that it is not very good. Movies always keep my attention - unless they suck. And don't get me wrong - I can take a good religous spoof, as long as it's tastefully done and not done in hatred. The Ten passed that test.

The premise of the movie is to act out a story for each of the Ten Commandments. The one skit with the skydiver just would not end. It was not funny. It was irritating. I laughed a couple of times during the other skits, but not the kind of laughing that you would do when a guy steps on a rake and it comes up and smashes him in the nose.

Overall, I gave this movie 2 stars. It wasn't so horrible that it made me sick and I did laugh a couple of times. However, I would have preferred to have spent my time doing something else. If you are using this blog to gauge whether or not to watch this movie, skip it. Watch something else. you're not missing anything that's worth seeing.