Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Netflix Logic

So my last movie made it back to Netflix today. First on my list? Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's availability? Available NOW. What did I get? 88 Minutes. Where was that on my list? 10th. Tenth! How can they not find the top 9 movies? Netflix, I cannot understand why you are doing this to me. I haven't been flipping movies at the 2-per week rate in a while. Are you holding a grudge? Can't you give me a break? I'm going to start using Red Box.

The Love Guru

I am not having much luck with picking good movies lately. As I think I have said before, if you want to throwback to your middle school days and the humor that appealed to you at that time, then this movie is for you.

In The Love Guru, Mike Myers stars as Guru Pitka, a white guy that saw his family die while they were in India. He is then raised by the cross-eyed Guru Tugginmypudha, because cross-eyed guys are hysterical. Oh, and funny Indian names are hysterical, too, apparently.

Anyway, Jessica Alba comes to GP as the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs (yes, that's Leafs, not Leaves) who has a player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) (no relation to Jeremy Roenick), who is in a funk and the team needs him to win the Stanley Cup. However, Roanoke's girl, Prudence (Meagan Good) has fallen for his nemessis, goalie Jacques "The Cock" Grande (Justin Timberlake). It is up to GP to help Roanoke refocus and maybe even get back with his girl.

The penis and vagina jokes are rampant in this movie. Ha-ha. Yes, I get it. And yes, I heard it before. There were a few jokes that actually made me laugh, like the Quebequen pizza comment, but it was a mostly a slap-stick with a lot of lines and action that must have been inside jokes between Myers and that other cast members.

If you are a die-hard Saturday Night Live fan, you probably think almost anything is funny. For the rest of us, spare yourself.

The Love Guru is rated PG-13 for continuous crude and sexual content, drug references, language, and downright bigotry. At least they didn't make hockey look that bad. Fortunately, the movie was only 87 minutes long. It ended in just enough time for me to catch the last half of Hogan's Heroes.

I gave this movie 2 stars. Had it not been for Jessica Alba and her pretty smile and cute butt, this movie would have been intolerable. If you're not a Jessica Alba fan (and I cannot understand why you wouldn't), don't waste your time.

Netflix Delay

For the record, Netflix had trouble finding a movie to send me last Thursday despite 8 movies be available NOW, so they delayed sending me a movie until Friday, meaning I got it on Saturday and couldn't have it back to them until Tuesday. I wonder what my turnaround average is with them. I'm sure it's less than 70%. I should keep track if it in a spreadsheet.

Monday, September 29, 2008


George Clooney has been named the "Sexiest Man Alive" two times by People magazine, the world authority on sexiness. They've obviously never met me.

Clooney stars in Leatherheads as a football player set in 1920's. Football is just starting to take hold of the public's interest and the league is struggling to make a name for itself. Unfortunately, many teams are folding and Clooney soon finds himself out of a job. He hears of a star player and a potential game in another city, so he boards a train to meet this owner.

There he meets Renée Zellwigger, a conniving, yet sassy reporter. Clooney is immediately attracted to her, though I couldn't imagine that he was attracted to her looks. I've never understood what makes people think she's all that, cuz' she ain't!

So anyway, the owner agrees to the game and Clooney rounds up former team mates. In the meantime, Zellwigger is trying to get the scoop on this new young star (not Clooney, cuz he's old). So she's playing both hands with these guys. And if one finds out about the other or her secret story, all hells going to break loose.

The movie had some interest as it seemed to represent the football era fairly accurately (or at least as accurately as we are told it resembles).

Leatherheads is rated PG-13 for language and fighting and an illegal formation. The movie is nearly 2 hours long. And the middle seems longer than the ends.

Overall, I give this movie 3 stars, and this is on the low end of three. It was okay. I certainly have no desire to see it again. It was just, you know, okay.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Lions For Lambs

Honestly, Tom Cruise hasn't made a decent movie since Top Gun. There are some that will argue that Cocktail was a good movie. No it wasn't. Eyes Wide Shut? People only liked that movie because of the gratuitous nakedness. And Mission Impossible? More like Mission Imposter.

So when Lions For Lambs came out, I should have known better. It stars Tom Cruise as a Senator who's working on a new strategy in the war on terror. What drew me to the movie was that it was directed my Robert Redford, a decent actor. However, Meryl Streep was also in it. Not so decent.

In this movie, we are presented with 3 plots - Robert Redford as a professor at a college trying to engage a student whom he thinks has potential. Tom Cruise is in a dialog with Streep, a reporter to one of the big newspapers. He is trying to promote the new strategy. And finally, some troops have been deployed to Afghanistan to implement this new strategy and they are getting creamed.

Almost the entire time I kept thinking, when is this movie going to start? Where is it going? I figured the 3 had to be tied together by more than circumstantial activities. But no. That was the movie. Was anything resolved? Nope. Conflict resolution? Was there conflict? Good feelings at the end. Nada. What was the point of this movie? I know it was a jab at the Bush Adminsitration, not that I have a problem with that. Are we supposed to start looking at the bigger picture in life? Maybe.

I think this is the type of movie where you need to watch the directors cut or his interview at the end so that you can understand what the hell his intention was. As far as entertainment value, this movie had none.

Lions For Lambs is 92 minutes long, but it's a long and agonizing 92 minutes. The movie is rated R for violence, if you can make out the violence on the dark blue on black screen that is supposed to be night, and some language. Overall, I give this movie 2 stars. I figure there's some point in there somewhere and I can understand actors and directors using their stage as a place to push their agenda. But at least make it somewhat entertaining. Booo!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Made of Honor

Be weary of a guy named McDreamy. I'm sure the Irish and Scottish do not have sire names as such.

Patrick Dempsey (Tom), who stars as the nicknamed Dr. McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy, stars with Michelle Monaghan (Hannah), who was born in Winthrop, Iowa, no relation to Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina. How he got to be considered a sex symbol is beyond my comprehension. This is they guy who starred as the nerdy Meyer Lansky in Mobsters. If he can be a sex symbol, then I am Sex.

So anyway, Made of Honor is a romantic comedy about a young college girl who gets wooed by a misogynistic sex perv who thought he was hopping in bed with his girlfriend. Both have this attraction to one another for their brutal honesty with each other. This honesty leads to a long-lasting friendship.

However, this friendship takes its biggest challenge when Hannah flies off to Scotland for 6 weeks for her job. In her absence, Tom suddenly realizes that he has stronger feelings for her than realized. He decides to tell her when she returns, but upon her return she presents him with a fiance. To add salt to the wound, Hannah asks Tom to be her maid of honor. Her fiance, interestingly, starred in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. I this makes me wonder which came first, the chicken or the fiance?

Tom is now stricken with the fatalistic decision - help her get married and be the best maid of honor and let her be happy, or tell her his true feelings and hope to stop the marriage. I think you know where this is going.

This is a common formula for romantic comedies. Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Girl gets tired of waiting for guy. Girl finds another guy. First guy must now win back girl. Works like a charm.

This movie is wrought with predictability. It does have some good humor, but it does lack part of the necessary formula for a guy-appealing romantic comedy - it lacks hot girls. Michelle Monoghan is cute, but in an average girl kind of way, but not to the point where I feel partially in love with her (at least in love with her character).

This 2008 movie is 100 minutes long and is rated PG-13 for some sexual content, language, and a fat girl. I give this movie 3 stars. It's okay. It's entertaining, but not one that I'd be clamoring to see again.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Speed Racer

If anyone thinks they don't know any Japanimation, they know Speed Racer. Speed was the race car hero of the mid/late 60's and 70's. This is where people talked fast and jumped high. Where cars could jump and kids could get away with hiding in the trunks of rally cars.

The new movie is made by the Wachowski brothers, makers of The Matrix and incorporates much of the special effects of its predecessors.

When I first started watching the movie, I got caught up in how unrealistic it was. How goofy the personalities were. And how silly the scenery was. But then before finishing the movie last night, I realized that the cartoon was the same way. It was quirky. We didn't think about it when we were growing up because we were stupid kids. Now we're stupid adults.

Many of the same characters from the cartoon are back: Speed (Emile Hirsch), Trixie (Christina Ricci), Pops (John Goodman), Racer X (Matthew Fox), Mama Racer (Susan Sarandon) and Speed's brother, Rex Racer (Scott Porter). And let's not forget about Spritle, and Chim-Chim. Some of the plot lines are different. You'll only notice if you were a big Speed Racer fan. If you weren't, then you won't miss anything.

In this adventure, Speed is racing in the big Casa Cristo 5000, a road rally which Pops forbids him to race. He is fighting against big corporations who are out to control the races, fix the winners, and pay off the racers. Speed refuses to play this game and pairs up with Racer X and Taejo Togokhan to expose the corruption.

Conflict comes about with Taejo and Speed and Racer X pair up for the final race, one that Speed hopes to finally rid the sport of its evil influence and return respect to his family name. Secrets are revealed at the end, but to the non-cultured eye, you won't know what you're watching.

The movie is filled with cartoon-ish images, entire sequences of digital animation, and ridiculous fight scenes. The scene transitions are quirky and could be annoying. However, remember this film is meant to emulate the original cartoon. And there is definitely a heavy hand from the artistic licensing. But this is what makes the movie great. When the movie is over, watch the credits as you'll get a treat with the musical score from the original cartoon, along with some original dialog.

The movie is rated PG for violence and some language and is about 2 hours and 10 minutes long. I would not recommend this movie for epileptics. You'll go nuts.

I give this movie 4 stars, but remember, it s live-person movie made to be like the cartoon. Keep this in mind while you're watching. My only criticism is that they didn't talk fast enough and get as excited as the cartoon characters. "Speed! You won this time, but this isn't the end! We'll get you next time!!!"

Monday, September 15, 2008

Baby Mama

I had the pleasure of watching Baby Mama on Sunday night. It stars Sarah Palin as a mother of a teenage daughter who gets pregnant and….What? Not quite? That's the other story? Sorry.

Let me try again. Baby Mama stars Tina Fey, who played Sarah Palin on SNL, as Kate Holbrooke, an unmarried, but successful business woman in her late 30's who cannot seem to conceive a child and decides to hire a surrogate.

SNL star Amy Poehler stars with her longtime friend and coworker as Angie, the hired surrogate. Angie, unlike Kate, is less than successful, as you can quickly decipher with her husband Carl.

This hillarious comedy stars Steve Martin as Kate's "earthy" boss, Sigourney Weaver as Chaffey Bicknell, the coordinator of surrogates, Greg Kinnear as the guy that falls for Kate, and Siobhan Fallon as the willwy funny birfing teachel wif da hooj speech impediment. Greatest line in the movie: "Who here is opting for injecting eastern culture toxins into their body for their own selfish pleasure?"

Surprisingly Angie and Carl have a fight and Angie decides to move into Kate's place. Kate is, let's say, a little redneck, while Kate, on the other hand, is probably far above Pottery Barn. So clashes between these two resulting from their totally different socio-economic upbringings makes for funny scenes. However, Angie has a little secret that may tear the two apart at the same time Kate is falling for Rob Ackerman (Kinnear). What is interesting is that Kinnear is running a smoothie shop, similar to the one he was running in Feast of Love.

Like all good romantic comedies this one has a happy ending, though probably not the one you expected, though I picked up on it with about 15 minutes left.

The movie is rated PG-13 for some sexual humor, some naughty words, some minor drug reference, and a bitchin' redneck Camaro. The movie is 99 minutes long, as many minutes as there are red balloons. I gave this movie 4 stars. My wife would have enjoyed watching this movie with me had she been able to stay awake past 9:30. Maybe she'll sneak it in during the day.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What Happens In Vegas

I claim not to like Cameron Diaz very much, but when I look at her resume, I can say that I like a lot of her movies. From The Mask, Something About Mary, Shrek, to the movies where she's a dirtball, like Being John Malkovich and Gangs of New York. She dated a dirtball for a while. Maybe that's why I have a negative image of her. I know I just lost my female audience aged 18-28.

Anyway, What Happens In Vegas stars the aforementioned Cameron Diaz (who's 13 days younger than me) and Ashton Kutcher. Which makes me think - Diaz dated Timberlake, someone who could be her much younger brother. And Kutcher is married to his mom. Well, Demi Moore is not really his mom, but she may have gone to high school with her.

Back to the movie, Diaz ends up getting dumped by her fiance' at his birthday party and Kutcher gets fired by his dad. That evening, their respective friends agree to take them to Las Vegas to have fun and get a fresh start. The couples end up getting double-booked in the same room, leading to a small scuffle, but ultimately to a couple of penthouse suites and a bunch of free amenities. By the end of the evening, the couple ends up super drunk and married.

The next day, they realize their mistake and the inevitability of an annulment. However, they have a brief fight, she walks away and with her quarter, he hits the slot machine and wins $3 million.

The 2 end up court to get divorced and split the money. However, Judge Dennis Miller, on hiatus from making jokes so obscure that linguists are left puzzled, decides that the 2 cannot get divorced for 6 months, and, in fact, must live together that entire time and receive marriage counseling.

The remainder of the movie has the couple trying to outdo each other in an effort to ruin each other's ability to get the money. The movie is enhanced with perennial idiot Rob Coddry (Harold & Kumar, Semi-Pro, & the Heartbreak Kid) and Lake Bell (Over Her Dead Body).

What Happens In Vegas is rated PG-13 for sexual humor, crude humor, language, drug references, and some violence. The movie a little over an hour and 30 minutes long. I give this movie 4 stars. I laughed enough throughout the movie to justify this rating.
My Zimbio